This post might appear incoherent to some but I am trying my best to keep it comprehensible. I think I’ll jump straight into examples which will more clearly illustrate the point I want to make.
The Ex: A pretty long time ago, I was very much in love with Stan. And then things ended, we parted ways, and my whole world changed. He changed, I changed, whatever we had between us changed. We remained friends to date, but things are not the same anymore. We have both moved on, he is not the same Stan I used to love, and I am certain he feels that about me too. Things in his life are different now, he doesn’t talk to me the way he used to, I don’t think or care about him the way I used to, basically the dynamics between us have shifted so much so that everything is not the same anymore. Yet, right up till this day, during our occassional chats, he still ‘feels the same’ to me in a strange unexplainable way.
Before anyone starts thinking weird thoughts, just hold on and continue reading. Do not jump to conclusion and assume too much.
The Best Friend: Alice & I have known each other for a long long time. Over the years, the friendship we shared have changed as we experience different things in life, sometimes together, sometimes apart. We have our own lives and there are parts of our lives which the other person is not part of even though we derive immense pleasure from poking our noses into each other’s affairs. We have never done similar jobs, our families are very different, we probably have personal friends of our own which the other person doesn’t think too highly of. Despite all that, our friendship stayed strong and is continuing to grow stronger over the years. Her life changed after she got married, her priorities shifted understandably, her responsibilities continue to increase, and she is not the same Alice I used to know. Sometimes I’d text her to ask her out knowing that she can’t due to family committments, but I’d ask anyway just to hear her no and in a strange (and somewhat perverse) way, it is comforting. Because I know her. Because I knew she’d say no. She surprises me with weird shit all the time, yet she is predictable all the time. I can’t even explain it. But no matter how different she is from the person I grew to love, she still ‘feels the same’ to me.
The long time ‘trusted’ lone friend: This friend is not the person I thought he was (not trying to be dramatic, I actually mean that literally). The lies, the cheating, the horror stories, the devastating revelations, the shock of everything at one point made me feel so sick in the stomach I actually threw up (again, I mean that literally). Yet when the drama settled down a bit, when he talks to me, it still ‘feels the same’. Of course I am no longer as trusting as before, and I reserve the right to have my reservations about everything he tells me, and the close friendship we share IS damaged, but on a certain level, it actually still ‘feels the same’.
‘Psycho’ girlfriend: The best thing about girlfriends is that you can bitch and gossip about stuff with them, and together you get to make fun of others, have private (but mean) jokes, and complain about anything and everything. But when your girlfriend starts acting up, behaving in ways you NEVER thought she would, when she starts doing things so crazy that you just feel helpless and completely baffled, what do you think? How do you react? Suddenly this girl is like an entirely different person, how do you deal with it? Do you still love her for what she has become? For me, the answer is yes. Simply because putting all that madness and insanity and question marks aside, she still ‘feels the same’ to me. No matter what she does, I will always have some excuse for her, even if they are hopelessly lame and pathetic and unconvincing. Even if she prefers to ‘have a beer at Vivo’ rather than have dinner with me. (kidding babe!)
This is how far I will go for the people around me. All I need is to be convinced that you are worth it. And really, everything else doesn’t matter all that much. Even when people let me down, disappoint me, hurt me etc, I will move beyond all that and deal with it. Nothing is ever stagnant, some changes happen faster than others, I get that. But you know how even when everything changes, there will be some people, some things that still ‘feels the same’ in a mysterious way?
And yet there are things and people who just don’t. Sometimes these people don’t even need to do anything intentionally, they don’t even need to say anything on purpose, and you know that something shifted. It is the kind of different that is so abrupt and so right down to the core, so much so that there is no other way to describe it except for ‘different’. No buts no nothings. Just different. The biggest worry? Or rather, my biggest worry? That everything and everyone that once bridged you and that thing/person are all different now. Not ‘different but the same’ but just ‘different’. I used to think that when there is a ‘connection’, it doesn’t just go away. But now I have been proven wrong. It can happen. That magical connection can disappear in the blink of the eye and you can never get it back. You will never know why, and you will never figure out how. It is gone and it isn’t coming back. Ever.
